Social Effects of Cancer

One of the most difficult things I faced during my cancer ordeal was the response of some of my family and friends. It is not uncommon to see certain people drift away, even people you thought were your closest friends. It was surprising for me to see those who I thought would step forward, were not very supportive. At the same time, there were other people I had not previously felt very close to who reached out and stuck by my side.

Even certain family members may not be able to acknowledge your cancer, or what is happening to you. My mother was not able to admit to herself, or anyone else, that I even had cancer. She seems to feel tortured by the mere mention of it. Even now she refuses to believe I am anything but cured.

We have to learn to accept people as they are. I know I cannot have the mother I always want to have, and I'm sure my mom doesn't always have the daughter she dreamed of either. I am still very close to her and go to visit her almost every week (she lives about 15 miles from me). We will never give up on each other. It may not seem easy to accept people as they are, but learning to love them anyway, with all their imperfections and quirks, makes us seem a bit more lovable too. If I can love my family as they are, then I feel more confident that they will find a way to love me with all my faults.

Although it may be difficult to accept help from others, when you allow someone to help you, you are offering them a priceless gift; one of trust, friendship and joy.

I was never very close to my brother, even when we were growing up. But, when I was going through chemo, he called me twice a week to check on me. He kept in close contact throughout my treatment. I have never spoken to him so much in my entire life! He is very comfortable calling me, but when he comes to visit me and my mom, he never mentions my cancer and treats me the way he used to. I guess he needs the space only a phone call can give - perhaps it is too difficult for him to address my health in person. I'm just glad he stepped up and offered his support, even if it was via a long distance connection.

The Ultimate Test of Friendship

posted by Steve Heart and Soul

Being diagnosed with cancer

Separates our friends from pretenders

Cancer provides a litmus test

for those who we can trust

Because our quest is to survive

and do all that we can to thrive

No cancer patient should be left to ask why

Why a brother is now elusive as a butterfly

Or why a spouse has now misplaced their loyalty

You slowly see a difference in your friends

and while you try to justify their actions

its not something you can honestly defend

Sometimes it feels as if you're just a distraction

When we return to our work environment

Our colleagues seem to have misplaced their sentiment

We spend many days reflecting on what we did wrong

But we do not find anything that suggests we do not belong

As we look for a kinder and more gentler world

We remember the songs that we grew up with

You remember those favorite places with those greener pastures

And the acorns that attracted nature's playful squirrels

Some of us turn to reading and writing

Others discover the little things in life

We try and find a common bond

With others that we have come to be very fond

We walked many of the same rugged rock formations

And know in our hearts

that each of us had our moment of quiet celebrations

as our lives have taken a new path with a new start

We are hurt that those of us that we thought we could count upon

Gradually slipping away from us, eerily setting just below the sun

We have no answer when our friends appear in distant shadows

And find inside our soul an aching feeling which is ever so hollow

We have not changed nor do we intend to

We will always take the high ground as its our creed

and be there for others in need cause they are human too

Even for those who abandoned us in our time of greatest need

When to tell, Who to tell

posted by M. Fletcher

I occasionally come across patients who are recently diagnosed and have extended family they are regularly in touch with. It is not uncommon for those people to feel it is best to hold off telling such a loved one about their diagnosis. These people are often lifelong caregivers themselves (mothers, wives, grandmothers) and they don't want to burden their relatives with the news of their cancer. Sometimes they'll want to wait until a certain event has passed, like the graduation of their child from college, or a birth of their grandchild, or a marriage before they reveal the news to the certain relative.

While it is agreeable that their diagnosis is not going to be taken lightly by their loved ones, I would strongly advise against holding off telling them. It is of no real benefit to keep things a secret and often will make their relatives feel worse once they do find out. No one wants to have such serious information withheld from them, especially when time is of the essence. Important decisions confronting the patient can often be best considered along with the support of family and/or friends input.

Furthermore, if the patient withholds information too long, when the family member does find out, it may not be until the patient's condition is well advanced, giving them much less time to adjust to the news and prepare for potential complications. It ultimately helps no one to deny their family member of the knowledge of their medical condition.

Although some family or friends may not take to the news well, the patient should act reasonably by conveying their condition in a timely manner, but not feel responsible for the way the news may be received by those people on the receiving end.

There is much to be said about family dynamics in such circumstances. It should be the responsibility of the family and/or friends to keep the focus on the well being of the patient, rather then on the potentiality for an adverse reaction on the part of the hearer of such news. How one takes to such information, is a personal issue to be left to on their own to process.

The truth always works best.